Having a conversation with my adult daughter is like walking on a razor blade. Some days I am wearing combat boots and it is quite comfortable and today I must have been out of my mind and ventured out there bare footed....again!!!  We started out ..or should I say I started out quite innocently talking about my beloved grandson who I watch for her daily since she has found no one else who can since finding her  job which works odds hours of the day and evening.  The term "oh Mom will do it" seems to be oh to familiar in my daughters vocabulary...both to her duties and also to give away to her friends. It seems I am so talented that she is either proud of what I can do or thinks I have nothing better to do with my days than to help her and her friends out with their kids and projects or she is trying to keep me busy so I will not feel old and useless as she as averted to a few times in conversation.  My delema is finding the balance, the boundary and the dignity to stand up and say I think this is not what I really want to do.  I have always had a hard time saying NO...not only to her but to anyone.... I always want to be an example of giving and giving and giving and going the extra mile... Until I am exhausted and burnt out.  I have been learning over the past 10 years or so that my miles are not always to give to others ....they sometimes are to give to me in order that I have to give to other when God asks me to give to others (?).  Another words I need to hear His voice and follow Him and not anyone else. So in terms of this conversation....I said something that made her cry.  I was direct, emotionless (she said) and uncaring (she said) , and made her feel like crap right before she had to go to work.  Thanks alot MOM!!!

So now I feel like crap, and have been crying ever since....but the truth be told....what I said was the absolute truth. I am so sorry that she feels this way about my delivery,  that I am direct and unemotional.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I love her and her son more than life and would give mine up for them. In fact I do on many occasions. But she only sees the way I speak and try to control her, or change her. How I "make" her feel.  Oh how I wish my mother were alive today so I could tell her that I messed up so bad in my life because of sin and not because of the way she was with me.  I used to yell and fight and tell her horrible things and do and say and act wickedly in front of her to make her think that it was something she did to make me rebel like that.  The way she left my dad, the alcohol she drank the parties, my step dad the way she beat me, something...and yes it mattered...But it is sin that separated me from God not her. Sin made me wicked and evil and put drugs into my veins not her....I loved her and wanted her attention and love back.

 

   And I know when my daughter is yelling at me and crying and hurting there is that little girl that is saying deep inside ....but mommy something is wrong and I don't know what to do and I need you to fix it and I don't know how to ask.....mommy I love you and need a hug....

I am watching in awe as these candidates both male and female, black and white (and it feels good to say that) vie for attention, votes, handshakes, and microphones.  One more campaign, one more speech, one more lie or twist of the truth, or slur on another. I am watching thinking about these people as the next leaders of the country that I live in, the country that millions have died for, the country that people daily pledge their allegiance to and I am aching inside to cry out STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF.  The whole show makes me cringe inside with remorse and anti-politicalism....Is that a word?  I am not sorry for the way I feel.  I read in Luke 6:21 this morning some words that comfort me. "Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh.  Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven' for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets. But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep Woe unto you when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as y would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love the them which love you, what thenk have ye? for sinners also love those that love them And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye?.......Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?"

My sentiments exactly..... So I choose to follow the one who will lead me to the eternal riches and and glory and fame that I so desire. The one who has promised and always keeps his promises. He has never failed me, never cheated on me, never abused me, never lied to me, never cursed me, and never will. He loves me unconditionally even though I continue to fail him and mess up every single day.  He forgives me over and over and comforts me in my sorrow and my pain , even though I bring much of it on myself.  He NEVER QUESTIONS WHY HE LOVES ME >>>HE JUST DOES...for this he has my vote and so much more..For this I will follow him as he leads this nation and this world...for this I will follow him as he leads me..........much love...C.

I had to wonder why the media criticized Hillary when Obama won Ohio calling her the ice queen all along standing up for herself  in the debates, even laughing at being challenged by using the "gender card"...and then she let it happen....the tears began to flow (I was sure I saw one or two) and the chin began to quiver and low and behold some real (?)  emotions began to show.  This is the sit down in the parlor over tea, just between a few dozen women and BAM! She takes New Hampshire.  Mrs. Clinton becomes real once again.  How could they assume she was anything else?  And I ask myself why would I want any other kind of president.  I am not saying that Clinton holds my kind of political view point.  But let me just say this I would like a president who at least reads and writes his own speechs or at least has a major input.  If  we criticize the  candidates because they have no experience, I do not see the point ...None of the candidates have ever been president, therefore none of them have that experience yet..right? .If you are a good person for the position and have the right standards and character you will learn and have the right people around you to delegate the job and work so that you will learn what you need to know very quickly. Every president of the United States must have a good if not great staff. I am not worried about "who" gets elected.  I am not politically concerned. I know who runs this country, this world in fact.  MY GOD IS IN CONTROL.  HE is totally and wonderfully in charge.  That does not relieve me of my responsibility  of caring, of participating or of being a part of my community and its workings.  I however am not involved in politics.  I am however involved in Grace and Love.  That is all I really have any experience in....much love..C  

This morning while reading Matthew 6, getting my daily dose of Jesus' words I am taken with considering the lilies in the fields.  This morning there are no lilies in our fields. The rains have washed them all away and it is freezing outside.  Of course I know that Jesus is speaking in a metaphor here to tell me that I have no worries because he brings these things back each year, He clothes (if you will) the fields, and brings what is necessary to each one of us as we wait on Him.  This is a great and wonderous miracle. And perhaps even though we have raped the land over and over again and continue to have to dig people out of floods, and fires, and these man made disasters due to our greed and distruction our ecological system God provides. This is a great and a wonderous miracle. We do not need to worry. Not about global warming, or doom or disaster. Not about world war 3 or 4 or the aliens taking over our planet (have they?)  We are HIS!  He has promised us that we will be clothed, fed, led into the strait and narrow gate, all things will be added unto us, we will be judged as we judge others, we will find if we seek, we will bear good fruit, and find righteousness if we seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness.  God help us.  Take away our pride and greed and our own SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS.....much love..C

Mr. Obama...very well put....But that my friend is an understatement.  In a nation when more kids on the street know who Hilary Duff is than Hilary Clinton is and who cares anyway?  In a country that would put Britney Spears coverage on 24 and 7 as breaking news when thousands are being evacuated and need help from floods and fires daily, when the ones we look up to and revere do not know where to put there millions of dollars that we are giving them to croon to us and sedate us with "entertainment(?)" except up their noses or in their veins, or on another mercedes to wreck or bottle of booze, or porn to produce or need I go on....Do I sound cynical?  Do I sound smug?  DO I TELL THE TRUTH?  We are not a choosen nation and not so wonderful.  This is a great country that is quickly loosing a generation to drugs, alchohol and lazy moral values. I have seen some beautiful kids in this generation, don't get me wrong, that stand up for righteousness and truth and strong moral values.  They are CHRISTIANS.   They follow the Word of God.  And believe it or not they suffer for it.  Not as in the days of old but in small ways, socially.  It is a small price to pay and one I think they gladly pay.  They see they whole picture, the world picture. Yes This is not a choosen nation, nor a choosen generation, nor a choosen country, or the BEST in the World.  We are just like everyone else. Sinners that need to be saved.  Sinners in need of a savior.  Britney needs one, I need one, Obama needs one and you need one.  All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.  WE NEED THAT GLORY BACK.  WE DON'T NEED CHANGE THE OBAMA WAY, THE CLINTON WAY OR THE ROMNEY WAY.....WE NEED CHANGE THE JESUS WAY.  HE IS THE CHANGE THAT WILL LAST YOU A LIFETIME AND INTO FOREVER.....much love.....C